“Well, then, just date her!” When my husband uttered those words to me a few years ago, I never imagined what an important role they would play in our home and school. At that point in time, we were a couple of years into our homeschooling adventure, and concern about the possible impact of the not-so-good homeschooling moments on my relationship with my daughter overshadowed me. You know, the moments when I snapped because she was looking out the window or doodling yet again, or I wondered what was so hard about a particular concept in math after having explained it for what seemed like the hundredth time. At times, mistakes and hurt feelings in school spilled over into our home life. I ended some days feeling like a failure: after all, I wanted a good relationship with my child. I wanted her to know and feel like she could come to me with anything at any time no matter what. But how was I going to get there when we had intense moments at school sometimes? My concerns led my husband to suggest that I spend one-on-one time with our daughter in a fun, non-school related activity.

Several years have passed since our first “date” at Chuck-E-Cheese. Since then, my homeschooling philosophy has undergone a transformation as well. Academics, while important, are no longer the be-all and end-all of our school, as I had mistakenly done so in our early homeschooling years. Rather, relationships are at the core of our homeschool—our relationships with God, encouraging our children to seek the Lord, and our relationships with each other. Going on dates, or having special one-on-one time with each of my children, is a core part of relationship building in our family, and we’re finding it’s helping to keep communication channels open, especially through the tween and teen years.

A few weeks ago, I asked my teen to rank her favorite Mom-Daughter “dates:”

1. Reading a book together.
2. Going out–whether it’s to a restaurant, Starbucks, window shopping at the mall, or even a walk in the park.
3. Watching a movie or TV show.

Spending time with my three-year-old involves reading a special book to her (we’re working through the Illustrated Classics), coloring, doing jigsaw puzzles, and building things together.

As my husband and I take turns with one-on-one time with each of our kids, we’re finding that the key is to focus on each child as an individual person, not as a student.

Whatever the activities are, it’s important to remember:

* Dates are not about me as the parent. It’s all about engaging my children in something that’s important or fun to them. For me, this has probably been the hardest part of spending time with my kids—to put aside my ideas of what might be fun and listen to them, and actually do what they would like. For example, I thought my teen would burst with excitement one date night because she wanted to listen to a new pop music album. Do you know what a stretch that was for classical music-loving me? Yet, it’s been precisely those times when I engage her in an activity that is dear to her, that the door opens to seeing her heart and the person she’s becoming. That night as we listened to some of the songs, I was impressed at her ability to discern appropriate lyrics and make good choices about what to listen to or not.

* Make the dates a priority. No matter how simple or expensive the activity might be, prioritizing one-on-one time with our kids is what’s important. Whether it’s once a week or month—balance what works for you as a family, the family finances, and your children’s needs and make that time with your kids a priority. Some of our most memorable times haven’t been at a concert or the mall, but playing a game together or going for a drive. The key is taking the time to spend with them—that’s what communicates our interest in them.

* Keep it fun. Sometimes, I’m tempted to use the time to talk about a life-lesson or yes, even “preach” to my kids, but that would defeat the purpose of spending this special time with them. I’ve found that when I’m spending time with my teen, sometimes she brings up topics to discuss or issues she’s grappling with and asks for my advice on her own.

So, I’m glad I heeded my husband’s advice, despite a few friends’ reactions: “Don’t you spend enough time with her anyway? Maybe you should be taking time for yourself!” “You’re with her 24/7. Why go on a date?” “Maybe you should put her in school. Then you can have quality time with her.” Each time I’m on a date with my kids I never cease to be amazed at how refreshing it is and how much better I get to know them—their hearts, their values, their opinions, when I hang out with them.

So, what’s your favorite activity with your child?